My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!"
Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself, uh, my brother's a doctor and my sister's an attorney, and I hate Thanksgiving. Last year, we're sitting around the dining room table, and my brother tells a story about all the neat lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage to help the children. Then my mom goes, (archly) "Well, Ron? Is there anything new with your career?" And I go, "Yeah! I got a new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster!"
You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever…I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.